Epiphany {and an update}

A few minutes ago, I had an epiphany that I wish to record...

The first time I had cancer, it was not an easy trial. At all.
But this second time? worse.

However, here was my 'ah ha' moment as I wrote a friend today:

_____________________________

Do we ever deserve the trials or blessings we receive?

Having cancer again has been beyond difficult. I have been really struggling emotionally and spiritually. I’ve felt punished. I know I’m not perfect—I don’t read my scriptures every day since having kids. I don’t always say meaningful prayers. And heaven knows I have a short temper and speak before thinking. But does that mean I should get cancer?

I go to church. I pay tithing. I am faithful to my husband. I hold the door for strangers, and say please and thank you. I have a whole list of things I do that are in line with keeping the commandments.

But does that mean I should not get cancer? 

No it doesn't.

_____________________________

Onto logistics, and for record keeping's sake, surgery is possible. It is scheduled for June 17th. My mom is coming into town on the 15th and will take care of me and my crazies for two weeks. Thank you, Mom. I couldn't do this without your help. 

Brandon is still job searching, but I feel peaceful that there is something on the horizon for us. For now, he's working locally at a personal injury/medical malpractice firm.

Shoot me now, but the suburb we're in is capturing my heart. ohdeargoodness. Never thought I'd say that. If we stay here we hope to stay in our congregation for another year, but if this area becomes permanent we plan to move even further from Dallas where there is a little bit more room to breathe. I miss mountains. I miss the country. Texas can't give me mountains, but 15 more miles north and I can get some curvy, farm lined roads. 

I have friends. Good ones. My little boys have friends. The last two nights Aaron slept from 10:30pm until 4:30am, ate, and didn't get up again until 7:30am. What is it about 12ish weeks when babies just suddenly become doable? 

The Ergo has helped me return a little bit of cleanliness to my house. So worth the money. 

Today I was able to open my windows for three hours because it was cool enough. Otherwise, Texas is already getting hot and we go swimming every day.

Yesterday was my 5th wedding anniversary. It seems like we've been married much longer than that. 

Derek is obnoxiously disobedient, but I do love that he is so fiery. He is his mama. 

Payton is enrolled in a preschool for this fall.

We still only have one car and it is a hardship.

Aaron is cooing. Be still my heart.

Loan payments suck.

The end. 

Here Brandon's hard working at midnight, job searching, while Aaron sleeps on his back.
Multitasking to the max.

Worst Fear

I just finished feeding Aaron, and I am sitting here pondering on my day.

Today was a good day.
But it had a very scary moment.

While eating lunch at Costco, my little Payton choked so terribly on his hot dog {which was even cut in pieces!} that I had to do the Heimlich on him...a lot. It took what felt like an eternity, but probably only 20 seconds, to get the food out.

Aaron was strapped on me in the Ergo and Brandon was on his way back from getting our drinks, when I heard Payton making this weird noise. Brandon saw me jump up, and he ran over. But I got to Payt first and immediately pulled him out of his seat and started pumping my fists into his stomach/sternum.

Time after time. Push, push, push. Again, it felt like an eternity. My world literally stopped. It was just Payton and me. No more Costco, no more noise. Just me and my baby.

I felt so calm because Brandon kept saying, "It's okay. He's got this." But, looking back, it really wasn't okay--at least not for a few seconds.

And after about 20 seconds the piece of hot dog, along with thick saliva {bile?}, popped out into Brandon's outstretched hand.

We all sat back down--I don't think anyone even noticed our plight. Or, if they did, they didn't say anything to us.

After a minute of sitting there regrouping and silently praying my thanks, Payton said in the sweetest voice:
"Thank you for helping me, Mommy."

Always, Baby. Now, please slow down your eating. I wouldn't ever want to live in this world without you.

2 Months

At two months Aaron:

--breastfeeds three times a day and the rest of his feeds are Alimentum formula, per his GI doctor's and my surgeon's instructions
--is about 9.5lbs

where he spends most of his day- in someone's arms just like this

--just started wearing 0-3 month clothes
--is tall
--smiles, but not too willingly. He's a very serious kid.

--is sleeping a tiny bit better. He eats at 8pm-ish, 11pm-ish, 3am-ish, 6am-ish, and 8am-ish throughout the night.  Bottle feeding during the night allows for quicker feeds and Brandon to help.
--definitely knows who his mommy is

this is from when he was 1 month old.
Payt loves to smell Aaron!

--has started taking probiotic drops. They seem to help his tummy
--cannot poop without the aid of a suppository. He is not constipated, but rather for some reason he won't "bear down" and push the poop out without the sensation of a suppository going in.
--has a new peditrician. I love her!

--sees a GI doctor because he was classified as Failure to Thrive, but now that he's on formula he's chunking up quickly. The GI doctor has ordered a kidney ultrasound {which I am waiting on the results of} becuase the skin tags on his ears can be a sign of kidney problem. Further, Aaron is being scheduled for a "swallow study". He chokes so much that the doctor is not convinced that he is swallowing correctly and/or everything is flowing through the right pipes.

--take Prevacid
--cosleeps with Brandon or me at least half the night...and quite honestly I love it. I never though I'd say that, but it causes me less anxiety having him in one of our arms.

so excited!!!

--is held about 18hrs/day
--is quite fussy. Between genuine stomach issues and just being a hard baby, Aaron is very needy. After Derek was such an easy baby I thought the "secret" to newborns was schedules and Baby Wise. ha! Every baby is different and Aaron needs to be treated differently than his brothers were. And that's okay.

--is on-demand with feedings. There's a general schedule of every 2ish hours, but with his reflux he really self regulates and he lets us know when he does or does not need to eat. I never force him to finish a bottle.
--chokes, coughs, cries, and sounds hoarse often because of the acid reflux

--has outgrown his Bumgenius all-in-one XS cloth diapers! We are now using Rumparooz Little Joey covers with prefold inserts. I also use a lot of disposables with him. Our life is so crazy that something had to give.
--HATES HATES HATES his car seat. he cries nonfreakingstop when we drive places. It is very stressful.

button nose

--has started reaching for toys
--loves his pacis
--loves to tangle his fingers in my hair in order to fall asleep

I love my little man. He is not easy. At all. I have flashbacks of Payton and those hardships every day. But I do feel more hopeful this time around. I know it will get easier eventually. He will sleep eventually. He won't cry all the time eventually. Until then, he sleeps with or on us 75% of the time, is carried almost constantly {sometimes in a wrap or Ergo}, and has a lot of doctor's appointments.

P and D love "baby Aaron" and are slowly learning how to act around him {like being gentle}. I always knew that we would have {at least} three kids so when Derek was born it was always "there's one more out there". Having Aaron now, our family feels really complete. Not to say we won't ever have more kids, but for now it's not in the cards. I feel peaceful.

Gosh, I love this boy!

what a goof! he looks like a beefy, bald football player

Aaron's Blessing

Our sweet babe was blessed into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on May 19, 2013. Brandon, Allan {Brandon's dad}, and a few friends from church stood in the circle and layed their hands on my sweet boy as Brandon gave Aaron a priesthood blessing. 

Aaron was blessed with strength to stand as a witness of God and Jesus Christ, with humility to learn and use that knowledge to help others, with an attitude of service, with the power of discernment to follow the Father's path, to go to the temple and make covenants and be married, and with the ability to spread peace. 

So Derek...what a Sacrament meeting it was! So many things were crazy that morning, one of them being that
we forgot to change Derek's diaper when he got dressed for church. So one time when he got down from the pew
I saw a butt mark on the seat. Gah! He'd peed out, and his dress shirt was actually a onesie so it was no longer any good.
Thankfully, I randomly had a pair of his shorts with me {I never pack extra clothes for them} otherwise he would
have gone to nursery in only a diaper and shoes :). Which, by the way, he has done before.
That kid!

Derek kicked Payton, lol.

Graduation

It's really hard to believe, but Brandon graduated with an LL.M. in tax law from Southern Methodist University on May 18, 2013.

**let's take a moment and pat Brandon and me on the back**

thank you.

I am mighty proud of my smarty pants husband, and quite frankly I'm mighty proud of myself for surviving this year pretty intact. Between the move to Texas, a pregnancy, and subsequent newborn it was not an easy academic year for our family! 

And, sadly, both Brandon and I agreed that by the time graduation ruled around the whole thing was tainted knowing that I have cancer again. We found out I had cancer again on Brandon's first day of finals. That finals week was, seriously, one of the hardest of our lives. Emotionally we were in shock; physically we were exhausted {Aaron gets up at least 3 times a night for an hour at a time}. Every day, every hour, I just kept telling myself "just get through this week and it'll all get better." Thankfully that was true. Things have eased up a tiny bit, but with my surgery lurking on the horizon, the trial of being a one-car family {that might not make sense to some but it is one of our largest burdens right now}, Brandon looking for a job {he has one but needs something better}, and a teeny newborn who still doesn't sleep life is still hard. We are still beat! But at least school is done!

The ceremony itself was hot and humid {90* at 6pm that night} and the breeze was blocked by the buildings, but the boys did great! Surprisingly this was the most laid back graduation ceremony of any of the three Brandon has been in. For that, I was grateful. The boys played in the dirt, ate nuggets, and ran around. It worked out well for us. Also, Brandon's dad and sister {Allan and Michayla} came in the day before graduation and then stayed for a week! I could not have survived the ceremony without them!

opening gifts prior to the ceremony

waiting for the ceremony to start

so hot and humid

cloth diaper:  Bumgenius XS AIO

see that tiny person up there? That's Brandon getting "hooded"

Love you Bran. Thanks for sacrificing so very much for our family.

And So It Begins...

First swim of the season! 

May 23, 2013

I love taking the boys to the pool after dinner in the summer time. 

Plus, they slept better this night than the did any other time during the week! 

Aaron slept the whole time, so I never got in the pool...
which was fine by me because the water was freezing!

 

Brandon, Payton, Michayla, and Derek